My family decided to go to church this past Sunday. The two youngest ones met me in the driveway as I pulled in from work. I had intended to wish them well and take a nap in a nice quite house. Littlest gave me a big hug and told me to hurry up and change out of my work clothes so I could hold his hand. I asked him if he was nervous to go to a new Sunday school class but he said he wasn’t. Then he mentioned he’d just need to hold my hand on the way.
So much for my nap and my nice quiet house all to myself…
He did hold my hand through the parking lot and the halls of the church…until the church ladies offered him a doughnut. Nobody needs mommy when doughnuts and chocolate milk are on the table.
My sweetie and I spent the Sunday school hour walking around and getting acquainted with the halls. We found the adult coffee and doughnut table and discussed visiting some of the adult classes next week…wondering which one we may fit into…if that may even be possible. Okay, maybe I was the only one wondering about that last part.
The service was nice. The pastor gave a really nice Father’s Day sermon. I really wanted to just cross my arms and keep my chip on my shoulder. But I lost my attitude when the pastor quoted
the Cowardly Lion (voice quavers and all!) from the Wizard of Oz. I have no idea why. I’m not even a big fan of the movie (the slippers should be silver!!!). Anyway, the kids enjoyed themselves and want to go back.
I still got my Sunday nap…just a little later.
My mother called last week. Several times actually. My brother told her he had joined the Foreign Legion and was leaving. Mom was devastated and crying so hard it took me a while to figure out what she was even saying. After a little research I learned that he was too advanced in years to be considered a viable candidate. I called mom to let her know but we both agreed that something is about to happen with him.
Something…unsettling. He and I are still not on speaking terms (and likely never will be) but I hope he finds…whatever it is he needs to be at peace with himself. I have not been angry with him for a long while but I am not well enough to be in his life…and he cannot be around my babies.
Middle boy recited the Sinner’s Prayer during Vacation Bible School. I’m not sure he understands the meaning of such an oath. I’m not sure he is ready for Baptism. But who am I to stand in his way? My motherly soul is conflicted.
My baby girl has had a rough couple of weeks with her illness. I made roasted carrots one night and she was so ill she was sick and feverish for several days. Crockpot carrots are fine but roasted carrots are death on a plate for her. I hate Ulcerative Colitis!!!
Can I get an Amen!? Can I get a WTF autoimmune disease!!! Okay, I’ll be cool with just an amen…
A very beautiful young lady reached out to me who also suffers from the disease. She shared with me her private blog filled with Ulcerative Colitis friendly recipes. When I showed the blog to Sparkles she was so excited. I told her we could try a new recipe for her every week. Tomorrow we will be making the first recipe from the blog…a nice banana-peach dairy-free “nice cream”.
Beatersville in Louisville. The event isn’t what is used to be but it is still pretty cool…if you like real cars. I did see the old truck of my dreams…the coolest, most beautiful truck. I love pearl white paint on a vehicle. I never believed I would see it on a classic pick-up. I did. And Beatersville will always be a disappointment in the future without that truck.
I need an “amen” here!
Sparkles and I both felt kinda rough on Beatersville day. She was a warrior and didn’t complain. She is going to be such a strong woman one day. I held her hand a few times and told her how proud I was of her. I was a mess but kept it together. My husband noticed that I was having “issues” but I let him know that I could keep it together for the day. I had anxiety that day. You know that feeling when your stomach drops on a strange dropping curve? I felt it most of the day….for hours. Riding, walking…I felt it. Anxiety. this weird feeling of impending doom. Restlessness. Disquiet. A strange feeling of spirit and physical reality in simultaneous existence.
So, I’ve started having that feeling…frequently. Sometimes at work…sometimes while grading Sparkles’ math. I just pray and carry on. But at some point I will have to talk to a doctor. I feel
like that is a weakness but for now I have the roots and wings to endure. I do not want to take medication. I know that faith can see me through…if I have the strength and the humility to let God show me the way.
This past month had been tremendously hard at time. I want to turn back time to easier days. Babies are easy. Teenagers not so much. My oldest is an amazing young man…so mature for his age…and kinda silly. Sparkles is suffering but sweet and trusting when she has the energy to be herself. Middle Boy is honest even when such honesty means repentance. Littlest just keeps dancing and asking for hand-holding…sweet kisses.
My babies have grown so much this past month…more than they know and more than I can ever accept. Life is sweet and bitter. I’m running just to keep up with the here and now.
Littlest wrote a story about Boots. I inscribed his words on our whiteboard for him to copy. Sparkles and Middle Boy left words of encouragement for him. Littlest was especially pleased when Sparkles illustrated his short story. I love to see the kids encourage each other in their school work.
The past month hasn’t been entirely easy for me…nor entirely hard. My beloved friend sent me a lovely book to read on motherhood and spirituality to read. I’m still trying to understand the lessons…the connectivity of family and divinity. The beauty is right in front of me but I am too broken to grasp the truth. I guess that is okay…I’m broken because I need to be humble. Broken to find understanding and peace in splintering. Peace happens…even in anxiety. Stillness comes in the midst of…life and all its running to stay in place.