Sitting down to write out our weekly life moments has always been cathartic for me. Emotions need purging and I’ve generally been successful in doing so with a weekly post on the ordinariness of my insignificant existence. I have found writing to be difficult the past couple of months. I thought the issue would dry up once Thanksgiving was over with but I actually feel it is getting worse. Several times I’ve pulled up my blog to write a post and ended up closing down with nary a word on the screen.
I started journaling by hand last week to help get myself past the block. Everyday for an entire week I wrote three full pages of stream of consciousness thoughts. No matter what inane thought crossed my mind I wrote and wrote. I was able to write freely knowing I would immediately tear up the pages and toss them in the trash. Slowly, the emotional darker thoughts came to the surface. I dug up my daemons and drug them kicking and screaming into the light. It is just something that needs to be done from time to time. Well, for me anyway.
I lost my safe space for writing. When family started reading my blog and disliking me for my words I started censoring myself. I even chastised myself for not thinking properly…or at lease what I believe “proper thoughts” should be. Yes, I know that is about as useless and silly as it sounds. I initially solved the issue by moving to this new blog. I just didn’t take the time required to clean out the emotional baggage. Rejection hurts and I am feeling raw and prickly.
I’m done. I am finished. Burning bridges seems like a good idea. No. I do not want to burn any bridges. I’d like to call in an air strike and obliterate the bridge. Or move to a landscape that does not require bridges at all whether they be emotional or metaphorical in nature. I’ve opted for the last scenario where there is nothing. Setting my emotional baggage aside helped me deal with my mother and the issues we have. Her lack of empathy and inability to understand the pain she caused drove me to tears. Empathy and understanding come from love and I am never going to find anything but guilt and shame from her. I’m never going to get through to her and in trying I was only hurting myself, my relationship with my husband and our sweet kids.
It isn’t that hard to walk away when you realize there never was and will never be a relationship worth struggling for.
I’ve been dreading Christmas this year. But now that I have drug this out of the darkness and into the light of understanding the daemon isn’t all that big. Kinda pathetically small to be honest. Everything is bigger and scarier in the dark. Instead of dreading the holiday visit I’ll enjoy riding shot-gun next to the man of my dreams and watching little kids open presents.